Coming Out: The Aftermath

Imagine standing in a room filled with all of your loved ones. Everyone is laughing, while smiles spread across faces. Music is playing throughout the space, connecting everyone together. People are allowed to be who they are and love who they want. Sounds like a perfect place to be, right? Now, place yourself outside of the room. Stare into the windows and watch everyone else live within their happy lives. Push on the glass and try to break the window. Try to unlock the door. Scream on top of your lungs until someone hears you, but no one will, because they can’t hear the pain they caused. They choose to ignore your voice from being heard because in order to do so, they have to admit the way they have treated you. That’s what it feels like to not be accepted when you’re gay.

You feel like you are an outsider, within a space you once called home. To feel like every good thing, you have done in this world, gets cancelled out because of the gender you choose to be happy with. You feel like a stranger amongst people who have been in your life for years. You become strong to have it taken away from you, ripped right out of your hands and thrown away as if you mean nothing.

I am at a place in my life where being content seemed impossible to reach but I found it. I found a way to be happy within who I am and tried so hard to embrace every piece of what that consisted of. I started to finally feel what it is like to care about someone, regardless of their sex. I am someone who has dreamed in fairytales and finding the one for as long as I could remember. The thought of finding love has kept me alive, even in my darkest moments. Needless to say, I love love. So, do you know how hard it is to find happiness within someone and told to be silent? To be filled with excitement over the one person who makes you feel alive and not be able to talk about her? Having to worry about answering a simple yes or no question about whether you have met someone. Worrying you will make everyone around you uncomfortable, even yourself. You worked so hard to find acceptance and with several opinions, you resort to feeling worthless.

I push people away, it’s kind of my trademark. One of the reasons I do, is because every time I finally find myself in a content place, something is always taken away from me. It’s as though I’m only allowed to be happy for so long, before my rights are taken away. As if someone is inside of you and they are slowly picking at your heart, ripping it apart, piece by piece, until the happiness within you no longer exists. A friend of mine, who I’ve only known for a few months, has become someone very important to me. She has helped me grow and learn to continue to accept myself for who I am, regardless of what everyone else thinks. I asked her if she could feel me push her away. After replying with a yes, she told me she’s not going anywhere. No matter how hard I push, she is here to stay. A few years ago, I was talking to someone close to me about the same situation. She told me if I keep pushing, I won’t have anyone left and her only choice would be to leave. Do you see a difference? I do.

People who can’t accept someone who is gay, tend to blame being gay for causing the damage in the first place. However, I disagree because being gay is not the problem. It is the people surrounding that person who are. They don’t have to accept someone for being gay but they do decide not to try. They decide they can’t place aside their egos or morals to try and figure out a way to welcome back someone who never left. They push them away by not trying to find respect for that person.

I deserve to have the same respect as everyone else. I should be able to bring someone home and introduce her as my girlfriend, not my “friend”. I should be able to talk about her and gush over the happiness she makes me feel. I shouldn’t feel scared to answer a simple question about my love life. She should get the same respect, when in the presence of my home or wherever I bring her. 

Being gay has taught me a lot about myself but it has also opened my eyes to the true colors, people possess. I am still me. I am still the same person who has dedicated my life to saving others. I would do anything for anyone and the one time I start to ask for people to try to understand me, I’ve already set myself up to fail. I’ve learned not everyone has the same heart as you. I have worked hard to find who I truly am and to finally find peace within that, is a feeling I will never give up. I will never give up being able to feel happy and experience real emotion for someone. I deserve to be happy and anyone who tries to deny me of that, doesn’t deserve to have someone like me in their life. I have always followed what my head said because it was the easier and safer route but now, I’m following my heart. I know my worth and I’m sure as hell going to fight for it.