I'll Tell You All About It When I See You Again
Death.
A subject I seemed to avoid my entire life, until I lost my grandmother at the age of 21. Nobody is a fan of funerals or having to deal with death in itself but this is a part of life. I remember having to stand at the viewing for a few hours and in that time, I strangely felt comforted, instead of afraid. Maybe it was because my family surrounded me or the fact it was my grandmother, made me feel less nervous about the whole experience. The point is, everyone deals with death differently and in my case, I don’t know what I am doing.
I lost my aunt a few weeks ago and I remember worrying about how I was going to tell people, so I was prepared for my emotionless reaction. I was going to dinner that night and a million thoughts were racing throughout my head. What I was going to say, how I was going to say it, how I would react, trying to literally prepare myself to be strong and act as though nothing had happened. I would play the scenarios over and over again, making sure to seal any errors or mistakes made in my words. That is what I was worried about; trying to make sure I was prepared so I didn’t have to let the information sink in long enough to affect me. You could say I deal with death by simply avoiding it.
I spent that entire week avoiding anyone who might find out about the news, hoping they wouldn’t come up to me with another sympathy look in their eyes and a comforting hug. See, I don’t handle many things well when it comes to my own issues and problems in life. In doing so, I manage to hurt the ones around me, including myself.
I remember warning my best friend, a week before my aunt passed, on the way to handle me when something like this happens. I said, “If something should happen just kind of act normal, I don’t really want to talk about it. I’ll be fine.” A week later, she came over and I told her the news and immediately she gave me the look. I am so terrified of being vulnerable and seeing her look at me like that, made me want to burst into tears and just let go of this fear. Instead I got mad, finding ways to turn any conversation into an argument or irritation. I raised my walls and closed the gate to feeling anything but anger.
The rest of the week, I was closed off and could feel myself pushing my friend away, for no reason at all. This is what I do; I face something hard in life and instead of trying to let people be there for me, I completely push them out of my life. When the week was over, we ended up talking about it and she told me something I’ve always known but needed to start doing. I needed to tell her when I needed her and when I needed space. I freeze people out and it leaves them not knowing how to handle the situation or how to help me.
The day of the funeral, we were sitting in the pew, as my cousin was sharing part of what I wrote for my aunt in his speech. I could feel my eyes watering but I kept making a fist in order to hold them back. I tried to block out the words coming from his mouth, as my sister held onto my hand and started to cry. It was too late, the tears started to fall and I sat there, hand rolled into a fist, trying to contain myself. In a moment of vulnerability, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was going to look crying in front of my family. Why? Why was I so scared to allow myself to be upset and grieve over the loss of someone I loved?
When my grandmother passed away, I did the same thing. I didn’t cry at the viewing or the funeral. When I felt like crying, I pushed it away and buried myself inside. I felt so emotionless. I lost my grandmother and I couldn’t even shed one tear. I never felt so horrible in my entire life, as I did sitting in that church three years ago. I ended up having a dream a few months later and woke up in tears. I cried for hours but afterward, I felt better I cried but why?
Does crying when someone passes away, mean you loved them more then when you don’t cry? No, so why was it so important for me to cry? I felt like if I cried, it meant I was upset and cared they passed away. I thought when I didn’t cry, it meant I didn’t care about them. But the truth is, this is how I handle things. I try to be strong and make sure everyone else is okay first and then when enough times passes, I somewhat let myself be vulnerable and deal with my issues and there is nothing wrong with that.
I had to understand everyone has their own way of dealing with the problems in their life. Some people cry, yell, get angry, get quiet or grow distant. Some people like to talk about their issues right away and some people, like me, need a second to gather their thoughts. However, I need to work on how I treat people who are only trying to be there for me. I know it’s scary being vulnerable but letting people in who care about you, is so rewarding.
Having people in your life, who understand the way you function and handle situations, helps you to grow and become stronger with them by your side. You don’t always have to do everything on your own. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, whether that be with your best friend or just yourself. Allow yourself to feel and express yourself without shame or fear attached. Be free to feel any emotion and allow yourself to be accepting of who you are at your weakest, as you are at your highest.
