We All Have Choices

Who are we? 

What do we let define us?

Who do we let define us? 

About a year ago, I moved to Penn State main campus. I spent 9 months with my sister, living on our own for the first time. I had my ups and downs but by the end of the first semester, I was begging to go home. Although I loved the campus and being on my own, I was always depressed. Even when I was happy, I was always sad. I said it was my family and friends who I was missing and therefore I was lacking the motivation I needed to do anything. I'm home now and that motivation is still missing. 

My family and friends filled the void in my life when I was sad but they can't fix the things that break me apart. I don't know why I suddenly lost my motivation to do all the things I love in life. 

My book 

My career 

My health 

My faith

Everything is being put on hold because I don't know what I find meaning in anymore. I blame myself for feeling this way. I have a lot to be grateful for and I shouldn't feel negatively about this. I'm wrong. People deserve to embrace the positive and negative feelings they have. We are allowed to cry over the things that make us upset and smile over the things that make us happy. 

I was looking through my photo albums on my computer, each one labeled by year. Within those albums, holds one year of my existence. One year of the memories, journey and adventures I have been on. One year I've spent with my friends and family. One year documenting the new people and opportunities that have entered my life. As I get older, time doesn't seem to exist. The days blend together and time feels like it is passing me by too fast.

I've been spending the past week binge watching One Tree Hill. For the first time in months, I feel better. The lessons taught are relatable but they are also inspiring. They are stories told every single day but something that spoke to me, was the message hidden in everyone. At the end of the day, the message was no matter what life throws at you, you will be the one to change it. 

About a few months before school ended, I messaged some family members and I asked them if they would be upset if I came home and went to school. Regardless of what they said, I should have had faith in my decision. I feel this need to constantly ask people for their opinions on what my next move in life should be. 

When I decided to write a book about my life and the life of 4 other girls dealing with mental illness, I didn't ask anyone. I just got this idea in my head and something just clicked. A few months later, I asked my psychology teacher what she would prefer to read, a book about someone's raw emotions dealing with mental illness or a book with definitions. She looked at me and said, "Kelsey, I will help you out as much as I can within your career and my classes, but this is your book. Instead of making up your own mind, you want me to decide for you. You want me to just give you the answer. It's your book, you tell me."

And she was right. It's my book and I had to choose which direction I wanted to see my book go. It's easy to ask people what to do instead of making our own choices. I think that is partially because it's easier to blame someone else in case your decision doesn't work out. At least that's how it works in my case. 

Lessons will always be able to teach us something, no matter how old. It's been one week and I already have some motivation back to start doing some of the things I love. To some, this may seem small but I ask those people, "Have you ever imagined life without the things you love?" Now, how do those things define you? How did they shape the person you are today? Without them, are you still you? The answer is no. 

Choices, we all have them. They define everything we do. They will pave the rest of our lives. From the day you are born to the day you die, every choice and decision you have made will carry on throughout your life. We are going to make mistakes and decisions regardless of the outcome but keep something in mind with the next choice you make. Do what makes YOU happy. Sometimes you have to let yourself be selfish and that doesn't make you a bad person. Don't let others define who you are and more importantly, who you will become.