12 Years Good

So, it has been a minute. Sorry, I am a little rusty but I’ll do my best. Today marks my 12th anniversary for, what I like to call, my “Start over date”. For those of you not familiar with this term, it is something I created to celebrate my life. 12 years ago, is when I decided to fight to stay alive. I decided to work on my past trauma and find a reason to stay… a reason to exist.

         It’s funny, I didn’t even want to celebrate this year after all the mental health issues I experienced the past few months. I have been working so hard to find happiness within myself, while also trying to clean up my past, I didn’t know how much work it would truly be. I didn’t realize how taxing these issues would be on my mental health and living day to day.

         I’ve experienced several depression episodes and thoughts of “why do I even exist?” more than I would like to admit. The part I always forget about recovery is, you don’t just wake up one day and BAM… you are cured. And I know I have seen my struggles as weakness inside of myself. I know I have placed guilt on myself if I felt suicidal or wasn’t in a place where I could see the good in my life.

         I keep struggling to remember life is filled with ups and downs because when I experience the downs, it feels like a lifetime of fighting to reach the top again. It always feels like I am trying to climb back up a mountain, instead of climbing over a small bump in the road. Always out of reach of regaining my ability to smile and see the good in life.

         But, with all of this said, I continue to fight. Every day I breathe air into my lungs, is another opportunity to try again. I started therapy a year ago and it has changed my life. Therapy is hard, don’t get me wrong. I have to be open to being open and honest about my shortcomings and the outside influences that have caused me pain. I have to find comfortability with being in the uncomfortable. I have to push myself to be vulnerable and heal from the inside out. But I am trying and I am healing and growing every day.

         I think I am reminded of how lucky I am when I look around at the people who show up for me. When someone makes me a homemade Christmas card, sends me a random quote about how much they love me on a random Tuesday, or they randomly text me to check in or make sure I’m doing okay. And if I’m not, ask how they can be there for me.

         My biggest downfall, is never feeling like who I am is enough; for anyone or for myself. I literally tattooed the word onto my body so I am forced to remind myself daily of the significance I play in this world. I matter and no matter how many times I forget, the ink permanently etched into my skin, is always there to remind me.

         Sometimes, I am just sick of being sick, you know? Sometimes, I just want to start over and reinvent myself. Or at least be the version of myself I feel confident in. My past had a way of convincing me, I am not good enough or worthy of being loved. But then the sun hits my skin on a cold brisk morning or I hear my favorite person laugh or my cat cuddles me when I cry. And suddenly, I am reminded of the simple things in life worth living for. I am reminded of what matters to me.

         I see all of my support system fighting for me and being patient with me, while I go through this journey of healing. They are on their own journeys and it is even more beautiful when you can all exist on a journey, while healing and growing together. I tend to forget everyone has their own past and traumas they are trying to heal from. I forget I am not alone in this world, even when it can feel this way.

         I continue to work on myself every day by being open to change, asking for help when needed and being vulnerable. A big part of my recovery is learning to forgive myself. I know I hold myself to an unreachable standard and I am only hurting myself at the end of the day. There is no limit on how many times you can start over. Every day is a new opportunity to grow and change.

         Life is not a race, which is a lesson I am slowly learning. Everyone has their own journey, don’t compare your story to someone else’s. There are always opportunities to have a second chance or ask for forgiveness or to find your way back to who you are meant to be.

         There are so many areas of my life, I would love to rediscover. I want to continue to be a good person and an important role in the lives of the ones I love. I started to take accountability for my role in fallouts or the situations I found myself in. I started to learn from my mistakes and work towards making an amends. I learned it is okay to rest and not have to do something constantly without making me lazy. It is important to listen to my body and what it is telling me.

         I want to believe I deserve better than the treatment I have placed upon my body the last 29 years. When I treat my body the way I have, I find it hard to love myself. Because in placing judgment, guilt, disappointment and negativity onto myself, I never allow growth or healing to occur. I willingly chose to drown without a second thought.

I am learning I can’t control everything or everyone but I can control my actions and what steps I take moving forward. I can control how I react to tough situations. I can control if I am negative or positive toward a difficult position, I am placed in. I do have some control of somethings in my life. And the words we do place onto ourselves, our bodies take note of.

Healing is hard but it is an important journey for everyone to go on. Healing truly starts from within. If we begin to place positive thoughts into our body, mind and souls, we will begin to value ourselves more and believe we are worthy of all the good that comes our way. Sometimes you need to be your own hero in your story. Show up for yourself and love them unconditionally.