One Daily Choice

I woke up to the tightness within my chest, after another night of tossing and turning. My sleeping has become more difficult the last few months. A few months ago, I started to notice my inability to breathe or would inhale deeply randomly throughout my day. I started to feel a constant weight on my lungs, stopping me from being able to move without the tightening becoming worse.

I started seeing my doctor and she asked me about my anxiety. I told her I thought my breathing was due to being out of shape and not working out for a while. Then she asked me when I experience the breathing issues. I told her I experience trouble breathing when I’m laying down or just sitting, scrolling through my phone. She asked me if I had trouble sleeping, which I also blamed on other factors.

I always knew I had anxiety but it’s never been this apparent. I started to think about why my anxiety was suddenly this bad. I look back on my life and think about the changes I’ve made for myself. Even my emotions have been heightened over the past couple of years.

I started to notice I get more emotional now. I have a harder time holding back my tears or being overwhelmed when something beautiful happens. And I started to realize why. I’ve spent my whole life depressed and numb to feelings. I’ve pushed down every emotion or ability to feel because what I was feeling and experiencing, hurt too much.

Up until this point, the only place I wasn’t able to hide my feelings was within my dreams. Try as a might, my dreams brought up every feeling I wasn’t ready to deal with. My thoughts, emotions, insecurities. Nightmare after nightmare, I still deal with this issue today.

If I have an unresolved conflict in my life, I will dream about made up scenarios until I resolve the issue. My fear of not feeling enough or being enough, was brought to life every time I closed my eyes. I was waking up every day starting my day with anxiety in my chest. 

I realized I had been depressed for so much of my life and never had to deal with my emotions. Now that I’ve spent the last few years healing, all I could feel was the overwhelming emotions I’ve been surpassing for so long.

Often times, I feel like a burden or “too much”. I have a hard time with balance and am still learning how to approach life in this way. In healing, I unlocked my ability to feel which caused the anxiety to worsen.

Although I have 24 years of mental health experience within myself, I learn something new daily. I have come to the realization, it’s not about choosing the right decisions all the time.

It’s about making one better choice a day. It’s about deciding to be better or choosing a better decision for you that will enhance your quality of life. Deciding to make a choice that will lessen your anxiety or help you breathe easier.

It’s okay not to have everything figured out, all at once. I’ve never been someone who was able to be in the middle. I was always way behind or too far ahead. In doing this, I was never able to find long lasting solutions to my problems, only temporary ones.

The only solution I have found that works for me, is taking one step at a time. This works in any area of my life. I take one small step toward my goals, stop punishing myself if I mess up and keep pushing. We are not perfect and when we stop trying to be, we are able to accept ourselves for who are we.

We are able to accept the flaws, imperfections and idea that great things take time. It takes time to learn lessons, patience and how to be kind to ourselves. So, continue to take strides toward your goals. Take one step at a time.