Tis' The Season of Depression

It’s that time of year again, seasonal depression welcomes you! For as long as I could remember, depression has always been my long-lost friend. We have played a role in each other’s lives since the age of 4 years old. Depression always being by my side through the bad and there to remind me of the bad, during the good. There is something familiar about our past demons and disorders. Although we like to overcome the difficulty, we tend to find comfort in the destruction.

As I get older, I tend to forget how easy it is to be swallowed whole again into the disorders I believe I have overcome. For some reason, I am always surprised whenever I become depressed or go through a mental health phase. I continue to grow and have healed so much over the past few years, I almost feel invincible, as if I never had the disorder in the first place. But I am always taught my lesson pretty quickly.

I don’t love being vulnerable and many people might think the opposite, since I am considered a very open person. However, if I am currently experiencing something, being open is extremely difficult for me. I am pretty in tune with my emotions and can tell instantly when I am starting to slip into a funk. This year, I thought there was no way I am going to experience seasonal depression.

A few days ago, I was driving home from seeing my friends. I was surrounded by all of their children, their partners and seeing the lives they built together. All day, I felt like I was walking with a raining cloud over my head and driving home, I started to cry. I suddenly became completely overwhelmed and slowly started to realize why. I was lonely. And the thing is, I am happy being single. This feeling isn’t even about not being happy alone, it’s about sometimes wishing I had someone to share my life with.

I watch my friends who are all in relationships, getting married or having kids and I make a joke about how I am behind and never going to find someone. And although we all know there is some truth behind my jokes, we all laugh it off like a joke. I realized I will be with a group full of people and be having a great time but I always go home alone. And sometimes that can be a lonely place to be.

I would love to be able to share my life with someone and someday I will, but sometimes feeling lonely is a part of the journey. We can feel lonely even when we have a partner and that is okay too. While I was crying, I immediately ran through a list of people I would be able to vent or force myself to be vulnerable with. I do this every time I am emotional because being alone with myself sometimes scares me.

I tend to believe if I let it out to someone, I am fine and can move on with my life. But instead, I called no one and I told no one. I went home, recorded myself and vented whatever needed to be released. The reason I try to live my life with honesty and vulnerability is because our minds are a powerful thing.  I have dealt with mental health for 24 years, I am aware of the ups and downs that come with the disorders.

I know the person I was when I remained silent and I won’t allow myself to be that person again. I hear the comments stated behind my back about choosing to be open about “shameful” topics and I write honestly about them anyway. There are so many people who suffer and are told to keep it to themselves and then we wonder why the suicide rate is so high. I choose to be open in order to show people healing is not an overnight success and you have to continue to grow for the rest of your life. 

I have worked so hard the past couple of years and I am still learning how to change my thinking and the way I handle certain situations. I, to this day, continue to not feel good enough in several areas of my life. I continue to feel the need to dramatize stories or exaggerate my intentions to peak people’s interests. Why? Because people don’t like to listen when I speak passionately about the things that make me whole or what I love to do.

For as long as I could remember, I feel I've always gravitated toward anyone that was willing to listen to me. Even if that meant I needed to be louder or more dramatic, at least someone was listening. I didn't want to be alone, I wanted to be interesting to people. I wanted people to care about what I was doing and saying because the things I care about, no one else seemed to care.

So, I do my best to say what I mean and try not to change to appease someone else but this is still something I struggle with and that is okay.  What scares me the most is, I can feel myself starting to make excuses to push people away or give in to my seasonal depression. Our minds are a beautiful thing but terrifying at the same time.

When I am in a mental health phase, it feels like my sense of logic or understanding is completely distorted and I am unable to make a sane decision. So, even though I feel like I can be an expert at my own mental health, I continue to grow and learn new ways to overcome the obstacles in my life. Even the ones I have had to face several times within my lifetime.

I encourage you to be vulnerable and honest with the person you are when you are alone. The version of yourself when you let down your guard and think openly and raw. Be courageous enough to be honest with yourself, your loved one or a therapist. Face your fears of being real and express your true self to the universe. We have such a short time on this earth, we shouldn’t waste it being too afraid to heal openly or being embarrassed we aren’t perfect humans. People are more alike than you think, we just need to be open to accepting the truth they are willing to share with us.