10 Years Good

I was looking at my old childhood photos and came across a picture of myself in my St. Mary’s uniform. I had to be around 9 years old, with the biggest smile plastered to my face. I immediately teared up thinking about the thoughts running throughout my head. The rest of the world sees a smiling 9-year-old, I see a broken child, scared to be open and honest about the pain she is constantly enduring.  

I’ve learned many lessons over the past ten years but one thing I will always remember is, you are capable of achieving the life you want, regardless of your past. We tend to blame the families we were born into or the childhood we had no control over, for the reason we are broken or messed up as adults. The truth is everyone has past traumas, regardless of their previous shortcomings. 

We can choose to be the victim or the hero in our stories. Life is hard, simply put but completely accurate. We all struggle with our own inner demons and sometimes those demons, affect the ones we love. One lesson that finally took this year, was realizing everyone is human and everyone is recovering from something. This includes your parents. 

I know, my mind was blown too. I mean, I always knew this but took a minute to fully understand and accept. Truth is, none of us want to admit the road to our current journey could have been avoided had we had the knowledge to do so. I look back on mine and realize the amount of information I currently hold, would have saved me a lot of scars and battle wounds. 

However, I am in love with the person I am today. It took me 10 years to find her but she was worth it. She was always worth it but needed a little reminder. The thing is, when you find yourself, I mean truly discover another layer of who you are, you can’t help but love that person. Yes, I have damage and baggage I am currently sorting through but my past has made me one amazing person. So, no I wouldn’t change a thing these past 10 years. 

Someone is always going to try and stop you from achieving happiness or success. Whether it be from jealousy or insecurity, someone will always try to keep you from your goals. I have been invalidated my whole life from family members to friends to strangers. Although you can distance yourself from these people, there will be times when you can’t. So, what then? 

You valid yourself. You work hard every day to achieve your goals and you do not look back. Period. You remain strong-willed and know your validation of yourself is enough. You stop searching for answers within unstable people and begin finding healthy connections within stable ones.  

I loved Demi Lovato from the minute they existed on the big screen. I found out years later, after my recovery, that several people assumed I struggled with mental health issues because they did.  I was told I wanted attention and indirectly told, I developed mental health issues because it was trending. Imagine how invalid I felt then. 

I continued to receive little to no support from the people who should love you unconditionally but society says you have to love them unconditionally, regardless. Recovery is a lonely road and you will realize who is truly there for you, at the end of it. You won’t always get the built-in support you want or need from the people you wish would give it to you. 

You shouldn’t have to beg someone to love or care about you. You shouldn’t have to allow those in your life, who don’t have your best interest at heart. I was told so many times about posting my personal struggles publicly, based on the way others might perceive those around me, after reading my confessions. People will support you when it benefits them and that is the sad truth. 

Until you find those who love and support you unconditionally, no questions asked. They will love you on your good days and love you even harder on your bad. They will support you in your successes and failures. I was told not to speak about my mental health, my sexuality and anything personal about myself, that doesn’t require someone’s permission. I openly speak about these topics happily but many people struggle with the idea of me being so public about them. 

And honestly, I can’t see why. I am so unbelievably happy with myself and the choices I have made the past couple of years. I love writing and the fact that I get to write about my journey and share with people who relate and I have helped, has changed me as a person. When your mission in life is to help others heal, you stop being selfish. All of the pain and anger you carried around for years, slowly starts to disappear. 

For so many years, I pictured what life would be like without me in it. The very thought is terrifying to me now but at one point, I didn’t care. I look back and think about that scared little 4-year-old girl, who didn’t want to exist in a society that felt impossible to be yourself in. I was in so much pain, I was blinded to the possibilities life had to offer. I just had to open my eyes to see how much control we actually hold within us. 

We are all capable of so many beautiful opportunities and experiences, we just need to be willing to believe we deserve them. You can’t define your future by your past, you can only grow and move forward from it. Today I celebrate my 10-year mental health anniversary. Many people want a definition for what this type of anniversary is, so I will explain it to you. 

10 years ago today, I decided I was no longer going to allow my mental health and the factors surrounding it, make me leave this earth. I decided to fight like hell for the life I have today and the beautiful story I have told so far. So, you might not understand it but I’m choosing to celebrate my life. One, in which, almost ended 10 years ago. This doesn’t mean I don’t struggle or deal with my mental health, it means I choose me.  So, if you must have a definition, today is the day I choose myself.