You Can Never Hurt Me Again

Fear can be a powerful thing. It is something that can keep you from trying to achieve any goal you set for yourself. Why do we feel fear in the first place? What are we so afraid of we let fear control our everyday lives? We are scared to try, so we never go for something we wanted. We are scared of getting rejected, so we don't bother asking. We are scared to be vulnerable, so we become closed off instead. The only person who should be in control of your life is you. 

I am currently trying to find a therapist but in doing so I am actually developing a lot of anxiety. I have suffered with many mental illnesses since the age of four. I am currently 22 years old and am just now getting around to getting help. I'm terrified because I have to relive everything that scares me: my past. I have to relive moments and feel those emotions I felt so many years ago. For those of you who have dealt with a mental illness, you know how easy it is to be pulled back into old habits. 

I have been in recovery for 4 years now. My last act was when I was in my senior year of high school. I was without temptation for a few months and I ended up giving into my old ways. Even though what happened was a small act, I slipped back into my old self while feeling every emotion I felt for 14 years. Although the feeling lasted for about a day, for 24 hours I was on edge never knowing if I was going to be okay. I was so scared I wasn't going to ever be okay. I was lying again to the people who cared about me the most. I was being manipulative and lying to myself, my friends and my family. 

My fear with therapy is in order to open up and move on from my past, I need to relive everything. I need to talk about issues I buried years ago. I have to be honest with myself about things I've suppressed and neglected to work through when I was younger. To break down 22 years of issues is one of the scariest things I will ever have to do. To feel like you may return to your demons instead of facing them, is what my fear is. I have wanted to go to therapy for years and now that I am starting to get there, I couldn't be more terrified. 

What if I go back to the place where I've been for so many years? What if I act on my issues again? What if I can't overcome them again? What if I let them take over who I am again? What if I fail? What if I can't stay strong? What if?

What if I do beat them again? What if I don't act on those thoughts and rise above stronger than ever? What if I believe in myself and how far I have come these past 4 years? What if I have a strong support system who accepts and helps me stay strong when I can't do it on my own? What if I stay open and fight this battle with the people who love me? What if I ask for help?

I have to remember, I am not the four year old girl anymore. She is and always will be a part of me but I have worked very hard to erase the fear that exists in her eyes. I have finally started opening up about my issues and started coming to terms with what I've been through. I'm taking steps to continue moving forward in my recovery. Although I will feel vulnerable and naked, I have to try and believe in the person I worked my soul into becoming. I have won this battle many times and I will be damned if I didn't believe I could do it again. 

My issues will forever be a permanent sidekick as I walk this journey to finding myself but I have the power to let it affect me; not the other way around. I am strong enough and worth enough to create a better life for myself. I have my bad days and I still think about my past issues, but I am 4 years good & within those years lies blood, sweat and tears of fighting for the person I am and will be no matter what war wants to be started again. I'll be waiting for you but I promise I won't go down without a fight.