Labels

Labels are words, attached to humans by society. We are given definitions of who we are, as defined by the world around us, whether we agree with them or not. Opinions are given when we don’t ask for them. Once labeled, it sometimes seems like this is all we are allowed to be. Somehow these words must be true because why else would someone assign them to us? 

You start believing what people say about you, even when you know it isn’t true. You start thinking about how wrong they are but then a small thought enters your mind and says, “Wait do I do that? Am I that?” You start second guessing your thoughts, actions and questioning the person you are.

When it comes to my sexuality, I accept who I am but I do find myself contradicting my thoughts, when I reintroduce the topic to someone new. I am not embarrassed about who I am but when I became labeled, people’s opinions of my sexuality, make me feel differently.

I was asked why I told everyone, if I am now getting hurt or feeling this way about myself. The truth is, I am more content than I have been in a long time with who I am. I feel whole for the first time and things make sense. I feel confident and excited to allow real love into my life one day. I feel like a weight have been lifted off of my shoulders and I could finally breathe again. So being asked to hide it, just doesn’t work for me. I shouldn’t have to hide who I am or what gender I love.

So, why did I tell everyone? Because I deserve to be who I am. I am not embarrassed of who I am but it also doesn’t mean it’s easy or not scary, to be this person. I have dealt with criticism my whole life but have overcome my demons when it came to my mental health. My sexuality is a whole other world in itself. This is such a vulnerable topic for me, I don’t always feel strong enough to handle the negative part of it. People label being gay as a negative thing and when words come from people you care about, it’s even harder to accept who you are.

My friend told me I make it harder for myself because of how I deal with my sexuality. Instead of panicking and treating it like it’s a disease, I should just be who I am and stop worrying about what everyone else is going to say or think. The problem is, I feel ashamed sometimes because that’s the thoughts people have instilled into my head.

My whole life, I’ve never felt good enough. To this day, I have trouble making a simple decision on where I should eat or letting someone watch me do my makeup. Nothing I do feels good enough. I labeled myself that way. I made the decision I can’t do anything right. I let everyone around me change the way I thought about myself. In doing so, I’m letting them do the same thing with my sexuality.

I’m letting others define how I see myself, when I know who I am. In the past 23 years, I have never been so sure about who I am or happy with who that person is. I worked so hard to discover who I am and I am not going to let anyone take that away from me. I’m slowly working on accepting myself and in time, I will get there. Let people label you what they want. You need to discover who you are and when you do, their words won’t matter. Be proud of who you are because you are unique and the people who deserve your love, will be present in your life. It’s not always easy but things will always work out. For right now, I’m going to keep pushing myself to accept a little bit more every day. One day, I will wake up and smile because I won’t need to look for acceptance, I will have found it.