Validation And The People Who Don’t Provide It To Us

I have been seeking validation my entire life and to this day, it has been my biggest weakness. Regardless of the growth I make, my need to gain approval never diminishes.  And I am aware we don’t need another person’s approval but it is extremely difficult not to want it. It is extremely difficult when the people you love most are the ones who can sometimes make you feel the most invalid. You can’t help but to question your self-worth now and again.

I am often surrounded by people who won’t allow me to be who I am or feel what I am feeling. I was asked several times when I first started openly talking about my mental health, why I didn’t say anything publicly. I was told, “There is nothing to be worried about. You should be open and talk about your feelings. Everyone loves you and is here to help.” Fast forward to being an advocate for mental health and being shamed for sharing personal information on the internet. I’m sorry, I was unaware of the guidelines in which one is able to speak openly about their past traumas and resolutions.

Everyone is encouraging until you drift from the boundaries or lines, they believe you should stay in. Speak openly but make sure we don’t look bad. Yes, talk about your hardships but not too much. Be who you are but don’t post any pictures proving your previous statements that made us uncomfortable. Be proud of the person you are but you don’t need to share it so publicly, no one needs to know the details. We won’t support you privately but when you get positive recognition, we will be right beside you… in the public comment section on Facebook.

 Did you ever have a bad or stressful day? It wasn’t the end of the world but you have been extremely stressed and just wanted to vent to someone? I will be upset about something, vocalize it and immediately get told how other people have it worse. I will explain how my feelings are still valid and I shouldn’t be silenced because someone “has it worse.” Their response is usually followed up with, “Okay but *insert their issues* and then talk to me about be stressed.” I want to be able to express how I am feeling, not be given a lecture about your ability to make yourself the victim in everyone’s story.

People also feel relationships are a one-way street. You are expected to call them or check on them but your phone never rings. Regardless of age or relationship, both people have the ability to communicate with one another. The expectation of one person being responsible for making an effort and maintaining a relationship is unrealistic and wrong. I have been this person for years, beginning when I was younger. It didn’t make sense then and it doesn’t make sense now. It is never one person’s responsibility to be the only person making an effort in a two-person relationship.

And even when you go above and beyond for these types of people, your efforts will be met with invalidation and reasons you could have tried harder. Nothing you do will ever be enough for someone who doesn’t see the wrong in themselves or the need to make an effort on their end. They will always require more and never lift a finger asking you to do so.

I don’t understand why I feel guilty for feeling negative emotions toward people who I care about, even when mistreatment is found. I feel a need to apologize for feeling upset with them or hurting their feelings, based on the hurt they caused me. I opened a lot of wounds and past trauma over the years and in doing so, started to confront the people who have hurt me. The hardest past about being vulnerable is you never know how people are going to respond to you.

I have opened up to several people who have hurt me and affected the way I see myself, live my life and grew as a person. Only to be met with a look of confusion and amnesia. How could they not remember something I was traumatized by and changed the way I look at myself? You start to question if these events even happened and feel crazy for even being upset in the first place.

I have learned to accept people and my life for the facts presented in front of me. I know what people have said or done to me, I know how it made me feel and I know they can’t or don’t remember. I know their words affected me, changing me as a person and causing future problems into my adulthood. I know if I don’t move on, I will be fighting a pointless war and only hurting myself in the process.

So, I accept what is, acknowledging my feelings and validating them for myself. When we hold onto things that no longer serve us, we are doing ourselves an injustice by only hurting ourselves. If someone can’t remember the pain they caused you or won’t, you forcing them to acknowledge it, is only making you remain in a toxic cycle. You have to accept you may never get the apology or validation from the people who have hurt you and find a way to make peace with this notion.