Ups And Downs

I struggled with mental illness for 27 years of my life and I always seem to forget the ups and downs that are a part of the journey. No matter how much I change and find myself in a better place, having a mental illness sometimes feels like it has disappeared. I spend longer time periods without my mental illness holding me down, it is easy to forget I will always have the disorder for the rest of my life. 

I was getting my dresses hemmed for the weddings I am in this year and I was unable to fit into one of the dresses. Clothes shopping has always been a trigger for me and this time would be no exception. I left my fitting and was fine, until I went home. I could feel myself getting into a depressive state and realizing it was continuing for a couple of days. I always get worried whenever I fall back into negative habits and become a little scared, I might get stuck in them.  

The next day, I went to a family event and decided to change my outfit at the last minute. I had purchased a festive outfit to wear for the occasion but I was suddenly completely insecure in every outfit I put on. I ultimately ended up putting on a hoodie and leggings, in order to cover up my quickly rising insecurities. 

I am certainty struggling with my current weight and the insecurities that come along with the negative thoughts. These are the moments I allow myself grace and understanding. These are the moments I remind myself to practice patience and loving myself a little harder during this time period. 

It always surprises me when I rediscover these feelings and how hard it is for me to find the motivation to change. I know I am unhappy with the way I currently look but it takes so much effort for me to make positive steps forward. I have to remind myself my mental illness will ebb and flow throughout my lifetime. I am going to continue to have good days and even years, at a time. 

I will also have bad days and times in my life where my mental illness will take center stage… and that is okay. This month is Mental Health Awareness Month and I encourage everyone to check on your loved ones, even the ones with smiles on their faces. Everyone is going through their own journeys and battles; it doesn’t hurt to reach out to let them know you are here if they need you. If you are someone who is going through a hard time, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.