Love With Conditions

I have been told the rules on how to be the perfect guinea pig throughout my lifetime. I have been told how to act, who to be and how to behave. Everyone feels they hold entitlement over the person they allow you to be. And growing up in the society we have, we allow others to determine exactly who we end up being. 

We make choices everyday based on what people’s perceptions of us are. How many times do you ask yourself what to do, make a decision and immediately ask for several other opinions to validate your decision was the right one? I have and continue to struggle with this act today. 

I will make a decision about my life and feel the need to confirm my answer is the right one, by asking anyone who will listen. I will get mixed answers and immediately ignore my intuition on what I should do. I have always cared way too much about what other people think about me and the life I live. 

I have been identified as “too much, too loud, too sensitive”. I have been told, “You shouldn’t be so open on the internet. Why do you feel the need to talk about your sexuality? Why do you need to get tattoos, dye your hair?” The real question is, why do we let what others think stop us from being who we want to be? 

I have continued to grow every day of my life. I learn something new all the time and yet, I have been completely frozen with fear of what other people think about me. Past traumas do not disappear overnight. They are issues you need to work on every day of your life. If it took years to create damage to your mental capabilities, it will take years of detachment and processing to undo those same actions.

People have a way of making everything about them. Did you ever accomplish something great and somehow, someone makes it about how they helped or how they are the reason you even succeeded? I have experienced both sides of the spectrum. I have had people in my life never support the important things, until it somehow looks good on them. 

When I first came out, I had so many people tell me they supported me, until I started sharing the news publicly. I was constantly asked about why I felt the need to be so open about such a private topic but was never asked the same when I was straight. I started writing about my mental health publicly and again, was asked the same question. Until I made the newspaper for being open about my mental health journey and suddenly, those same people were the first to congratulate me publicly.

See, the fear is my truth will somehow reflect how others see those around me, simply because we have a connection. If you won’t support me privately, I don’t need your support publicly. I am a good person and I don’t know how many times I have said this statement to myself, simply because some people don’t agree with how I live my life.  

I feel this need to constantly defend myself for being who I am because I am not following the guidelines of those around me. People don’t like when you stand up for yourself or think outside of the small mindset they have created for themselves, based off of the society they allowed in. Many people don’t like me because I am going outside of the lines and doing the things they wish they had the courage to do. So, instead of lifting me up, they hold a grudge because they are too afraid to go after the things they want in life. 

People who are unhappy will find ways to keep you in the same place they are in. I have received numerous comments on everything I do, good or bad. Everyone feels entitled to an opinion, you didn’t ask them for. They didn’t go after the things they wanted, so they think they have the right to down your choices or try and make your ideas, their ideas.  

The sad truth is, sometimes peoples love comes with conditions. As long as you follow their morals and beliefs, their love will find you. When you make choices based off of what makes other people uncomfortable, they have no issue turning their back on you. Although I continue to worry about the comments I will receive when I do anything, I do it anyway because it is what makes me happy and what feels right to me. 

Judge me, love me, it doesn’t make a difference because being who I am is going to change the world. Someone is always going to have an issue with the choices you make in life. Follow your intuition and do what makes you happy.  Expressing ourselves, against all odds, is going to make an imprint on the people who matter.

I like who I am but I hate the person others keep trying to form me into being. They keep trying to place me inside of a box, preventing my best self from shining too bright. I don’t care if jealousy, fear, insecurity or disagreement lies underneath their skin, they have no right to stop you from reaching your full potential. 

Either they are on this journey with you or not. Either way, they will be surprised when they no longer reap the benefits of being in your life and have the nerve to blame you for twisting their words of judgment. As long as you are happy with the decisions you are making regarding your life, that is all that matters. The rest is just semantics.