Healing In Waves

I never cease to amaze myself within my mental health recovery. Every time I think I figured it out, I quickly am reminded healing comes in waves. I forget how easy old patterns can reenter your thoughts or actions, sometimes instinctively and without knowing.

I attended a meditation class tonight and I experienced many mixed emotions. There were moments of feeling on edge, moments of peace, moments of pure anxiety and moments of my past traumas. I would be able to completely let go of my thoughts, center my focus and take a breath without weight attached.

Then I would feel my shoulders clenching, my heart started to beat, every noise triggering the deep instilled fear inside of me. I felt extremely overwhelmed with the roller-coaster of emotions I was experiencing in one sitting. It was overwhelming to experience emotions I haven’t felt in a long time.

I was surprised on what topics and triggers resurfaced. I really didn’t think this session would be so intense for me. When the instructor was asking us to focus on our breathing and pinpointing areas throughout our bodies, I actually felt my past reenter my body and completely take over my thoughts.

He kept saying, “We need to take care of our bodies”. The anxiety kept increasing every time he repeated himself. I felt hurt for myself, for my younger self. I treated my body so badly. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I have put my body through hell and back. And there are days I wonder how I am alive.

And the irony is, I used to not want to be alive. I used to pray to no longer exist in this world. I used to attempt to no longer play a role on earth. I used to not care if I stopped breathing. And now, after years of fighting and healing, I want nothing more than to be alive and live a long happy life.

I started to find purpose for existing, a reason to wake up every morning. I started getting involved in activities I enjoyed. I started surrounding myself with people who made me feel comfortable being me. I stopped centering my life around other people and started loving myself. I found confidence in my ability to make someone smile or contribute to making the world a better place.

I started to love myself, really love myself. This session reminded me of how sick I was. It reminded me of how badly I needed to heal and love who I was. I watched a video of an openly gay women who was reacting to her nephew’s coming out song and tears filled her eyes. I immediately recognized myself in her. I started to cry because I remember how scary it was to admit that same thought to myself years ago. And the fear of wondering if I would be left alone or would people still love me.

Today, looking around the room prompted some thoughts. We were all strangers to each other and all coming together for the same reason. Some people were opening up and being honest about the feelings they were experiencing; some positive, some not. And normally, I would have spoken up as well but I felt paralyzed. Almost numb, unable to speak. And that feeling overwhelmed me.

As the session went on, I could feel the anxiety building in my chest. I couldn’t calm down or clear the anxiety inside of me. I think this is a reminder to be patient with yourself. I tattooed it on the back of my arm for a reason. I have always been so hard on myself for the mistreatment placed upon the younger version of me.

I feel guilty for placing unrealistic goals and ideas in our mind. Knowing what I know now, I know I had to go through it but I can’t help but feel some type of guilt for putting us through it. To this day, seeing a picture of my younger self brings me to tears. I know how hard we have fought to be free from the chains placed around us by the people closest to us, including ourselves.

But this is another lesson, I always seem to forget. I will continue to heal but I will continue to experience past triggers and that is okay. I will continue to grow but I will need to keep learning to love who I am. I have so many lessons to learn and so many experiences to be had. I wanted to remind everyone, including myself, to have patience with yourself. We are doing the best we can with the tools we have been given up until this point.

It is okay to make mistakes and to have setbacks. Life is not perfect and neither are you. Give yourself grace and remember to breathe. You are doing better than you think, I promise.