Healing Past Traumas

I find myself so content nowadays, I tend to forget I still struggle with my mental health. I used to spend days feeling depressed and remaining engulfed in my own thoughts, it is a strange feeling to consider those days rare anymore. I have done so much healing and work on myself the past couple of years, I often forget how bad I used to struggle every day.

I believe healing has changed my perspective on many issues in my life, including how I handle situations that would have left me depressed and in bed for days. I remember to be gentle with myself when I have bad days and remind myself nothing is permanent. I remember to continue to implement my lessons and skills I have learned over the years to move forward in everything I do.  

Although I have healed many areas of my life and myself, trauma tends to sneak up on you when you least expect it and debilitate the idea you believed you were cured from your demons. Again, I know we will carry inner trauma with us for the rest of our lives but when you feel healed, you really tend to believe it can no longer hurt you.

 I experienced a past trauma a couple of days ago, I assumed someone was mad at me simply because we weren’t speaking for some time. The first thing I did was immediately go over anything I could have said or done to upset them. Second, if I can’t find something, I start assuming I must have done something and I just can’t remember. I can’t remember a reason, so insecurely, I create one.

Next, fear immediately enters my body. I will feel nervous for days and begin having dreams with made up scenarios about fights that didn’t even happen. Lastly, I will spend the next few days worrying until they finally reach out to me, instead of simply asking if I have upset them. And why do I wait you ask? Good question.

I don’t know. I mean, I do know but I don’t at the same time… you know? I know I have past trauma from experiences with people who would always be upset with me, whether I did anything or not. I know I was never able to please them or seem to do anything correctly in their eyes. I know this. I have made peace with this. And yet, here I am… still trying to please everyone.

I always have a fear someone is upset with me and the feeling comes and goes as it pleases. I always feel I have done something or said something and they decided to not let me know. I then walk on eggshells until they let me know things are okay. I also don’t want to keep asking someone for reassurance every time I think they are upset with me.

I am trying to work on this insecurity without having to gain validation from someone I may or may not have hurt. Whenever past traumas resurface, I take a deep breath in and sit with my thoughts for a couple of minutes. I acknowledge if I have upset someone, it is their responsibility to bring the issue to my attention and let me know.

I have spent to many years worrying about everyone, excluding myself. It is my responsibility to take care of me first. I can’t control everything, including people’s feelings. If they are upset with me, they will let me know. If not, then that is on them not me. I have to stop placing all responsibility on myself to fix everything.

I dated someone who told me, “I am not a mind reader. If you are upset with me, you have to tell me. How else am I going to know and work on resolving it?” We have to break out of this high school mentality. “They should know me and know when I am upset.” *Sighs* “Ugh, did you even notice how upset I have been all day? Why haven’t you said anything to fix it.” It is your job to speak up when you are upset and theirs to speak up when they are.

I know my past traumas will heal and some might stay with me throughout life but I am trying my best to work through them and acknowledge their existence when they resurface. I allow myself to feel any emotion, breath and then remind myself, “I am okay. I don’t have control over this. If someone is mad, they need to tell me. If not, I am letting it go and moving on with my day.”

Saying this doesn’t make my fear disappear completely but practicing skills and coping mechanisms I have learned, helps me to learn to move on and not remain in my fear for a longer period of time. Trauma is paralyzing at times but we have the ability to work through any issues we face. However, we need to be willing to exist in the uncomfortable to get to the other side of freedom. One day at a time, we will find peace within our traumas.