It's Time To Put Me First

I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and healing the past couple of years. And as much as I would like to speed the process along, I do understand “slow and steady wins the race” analogy. 

I’ve spent most of the pandemic inside my house, forced to work on myself or simply remain bored. Being forced to look inward is definitely something I am grateful for. I finally started placing myself first and learning what it is that’s important to me without all the distractions of life. 

We never take the time to set aside a day or even an hour in our week, to take care of ourselves, in whatever way needed. We are willing to bend over backwards for a friend or family member but why aren’t we willing to do the same for ourselves? 

One step to self-love is simply making time for the things we enjoy. We deserve to be happy in life and deserve to make our self-love a priority. Granted, with all the challenges and responsibilities in life, this isn’t always easy... I know. However, it’s not impossible. 

I have managed to completely work myself to the bone, over the past few years of my life, making sure I gave everything I had left to everyone else who needed it. I did my best to be there for everyone and pick up every last piece needed to glue everyone back together. At the end of every day, I was left with nothing but my depression and exhaustion.  

Then the shutdown happened and I suddenly had nothing but time for myself. I could still help people but I was limited in how much I could do being home. I started asking myself what I wanted to do or what made me happy. Silly as it sounds, I started making small decisions like what I wanted to eat or what movie I wanted to see. This might sound funny but when you have been a people pleaser your whole life, you tend to forget what you even like to do. 

One thing I enjoyed doing, was getting my nails done. I liked being pampered and I always felt good when they were done. Another reason I would get them done, was to help with biting my nails. When they were painted, I didn’t bite them as much. So, one day, I was dating someone who found out I was getting my nails done and said to me, “don’t ever complain about money to me, when you waste it on something like that.” 

So, here’s the thing... I have a job, make money and I am an adult. Since when are we not allowed to treat ourselves or even spend the earned money we made? If my essential bills are paid and I have extra money I would like to spend getting my nails done, why are we told we can’t? 

I allowed them and others to tell me what I can and can’t do. And how do I react, I justify it or explain why I think I’m allowed to. No one should have to answer to someone as to how they spend their money or the decisions they make. That’s no one business and no one’s place. 

So, why do we let others continuously control how we live our lives? Family, friends, strangers... I don’t care who you are. Everyone has the right to live their lives how they see fit. 

I started to get sick of the constant comments about how I should live my life, I decided to start living for me. I started surrounding myself with only positive people and removing toxic influences in my life. I went through all my social media, deleted all negative people or pages and followed positive accounts that made me happy. 

I started setting aside one day a week, where I did whatever I wanted and spent time with myself. Whether that consisted of taking a bath, painting or watching a movie. I placed salt lamps in my room, started practicing yoga again and developed a weekly skin care routine. 

I spent an entire year, redoing my entire house and picking up gardening in the spring. In doing these things, I started loving myself more and believing my opinion mattered. I started becoming happier and smiling more. I started to look forward to my days and took pride in the hobbies I came to love. 

Even to this day, I continue to partake in the things that make me happy and make sure to set time aside for myself. I started working on my health and finding ways to better myself every day. I realize change doesn’t happen overnight but I continue to take those small steps in order to create bigger steps and better myself for myself. Life continues to challenge me daily but I am creating a foundation to stand tall and fight for the life I want and deserve.