Everyone Has A Past
I came across a sad song on the radio, the other day. And a mix of emotions flooded through me. I related to the lyrics but realized I don’t relate to them as much now, as I did when I was younger.
A smile formed across my face, as I realized why: growth and healing. I am no longer the same little girl I was. I have taken control of my life and started making changes to heal from my past. I started therapy a couple of years ago and decided to put myself first.
As I continue to learn healthy coping mechanisms and ways to grow without causing more damage, I am starting to forget many memories from my past. Sometimes a song, scent or person can trigger a specific traumatic memory or thought I had but I can almost never remember exactly what happened.
When I was in the thick of my mental illness, every detail was held onto, etching a permanent reminder in my thoughts. I could recite a play by play of every word spoken and date of occurrence.
Now, after years of hard work, the trauma is lessening every year. And it’s not that I don’t remember anything, I have just decided to forgive, let go and move on from many memories from my past. I am not the same person I was and I’m not going to allow the same traumas to haunt me into this happier, changed version of myself.
When the memories do resurface, they take less and less space within my mind. The more I heal, the less they linger. The more I let go, the less they hurt me. The more I move on, the less details come back.
Along with grow, comes realization. Often times, it’s easier to remain the victim when that’s the role you have played for so long. It’s who you feel most sane being, since it has become a piece of your identity your whole existence.
And with my realization, came understanding everyone has a past they are trying to let go, move on and heal from. My parents, family and friends are all trying to heal from their past traumas, regardless of the work they are actually putting in.
Some people numb the pain, some choose to do nothing, some seek help and some are in the middle. I used to blame everyone who hurt me for the reason I considered myself so messed up. I blamed them for making me feel broken and unable to be fixed.
I can’t change the way I let people’s actions and words affect how I was shaped when I was a kid but I can change the way I let people affect me now. I do this by understanding hurt people, hurt people.
Many people who have negatively affected me, thought they were doing the best they could with the tools in front of them. I can understand this concept because I, myself, have done the same thing to the ones I love. I allowed the pain I was feeling to change who I was or how I handled situations.
Understanding doesn’t mean you believe you deserved the mistreatment, only that you understand why someone may have treated you in a way you didn’t deserve. And although I understand, it doesn’t mean I’m not frustrated.
It is incredibly frustrating to continuously have to reprogram your self-worth because of the damage caused by others traumas. So, it’s not that I accept it but I am learning to move on past it and stop allowing it to be brought into my future happiness and growth.
I will continue to break down old habits caused by others and reconstruct healthy ones, for myself and future generations. When we break the cycle of negative behavior, we can move forward with healthy attitudes and the willingness to change for the better.
