Friendship

The thing about losing friends is you can never truly prepare yourself for it. Even when you have a feeling for weeks, months or even a year your friendship has faded, when it actually disappears, you never see it coming. 

In life, we are fortunate enough to have many people come and form an imprint in our world. We open up and share a piece of ourselves in every conversation, memory and word. We let people in on our thoughts and deepest secrets, which often takes more than enough courage to admit to ourselves, let alone a friend. We form bonds filled with trust and understanding. We bare all and shrink down to our most vulnerable states. We let others in on our struggles and let them help carry us through our burdens. They make us feel like we have a safe place to land when we feel nothing in the silence. 

We grow every day, every hour, every minute, every second. We become the people we were meant to be but had to take the time to discover who we truly are for ourselves. Friends help with the discovery in this process. Often times they bring out different parts of you. You become more open about what you desire in life, who you want to be and who you will become. Support plays an important role in friendships. Personally, support means everything to me. I don't need validation from people but to know my loved ones support me in the things I choose to pursue, shows me they care and are standing beside me on my journey. 

I've lost friends in my life throughout the years because of many things. Some friendships ended because we simply grew apart, we had some fight that (at the time) seemed to be impossible to get over, they no longer wanted to be my friend, things got complicated, it didn't feel right anymore, they changed, I changed, things got toxic, lies were formed, they decided the friendship no longer served them, etc…

The thing is, no matter how many connections end and for whatever reason, it still hurts. I had to grow up fast when I was a kid. My parents got a divorce, I was dealing with mental health issues and I was doing my best to be strong for my family. I grew up being the "tough" kid. Often times friends would say I didn't feel, I didn't have emotions. I seemed to laugh my way through life without a serious bone in my body. When I was struggling the most, I got quiet and my smile didn't seem to exist. Then, suddenly my friends didn't want to be around that much. I wasn't fun anymore. They were always about having fun. 

I'm never going to force someone to be a part of my life. I recently lost a friend who I knew for years. Here and there, I thought maybe this isn't going to work out but we were always so close and knew so much about each other. Comfort quickly set it, I received a lot of help and a listening ear when I really needed it. I found friendship in this person because they wanted to be my friend with every part of who I am. They didn't become my friend for the good times only. I didn't know what having a friend really felt like, this was the first person to like me for me and accept who I was. For the first time, I didn't feel like I was alone. I didn't feel like I had to change. I didn't feel compared. I was just, Kelsey. 

People aren't perfect. You can't be friends with someone only when they're happy. You sign up in a friendship for the good and bad times. You are there to enjoy the good experiences with them and you are there to help when things get hard. Even though I am no longer friends with this person, I don't regret our friendship. Maybe they chose to go a different direction in life and didn't see our friendship making the final cut. Sometimes people no longer find you being in their life a necessity for whatever reason. I don't regret any friendship that didn't work out in my life. Cliche as it is, each one taught me something. As long as they lasted, they brought me some of the best times of my life. Although it sucks to lose friends, be grateful for the good times and bad that came from them, because they helped shape you into who you are. Be who you are and the right people will find you.