My Not So Coming Out Story
Well, this is a blog I never thought I would be writing but here it goes. I've been on this earth for 23 years and finally discovered something important about myself. Growing up, I always blamed my mental disorders/friends/family/strangers/myself, for the bad in my life but in reality, it wasn't any of those answers. I was fighting within myself to discover who I was and being able to do so confidently.
I always knew something was different when I was a kid. I knew I was raised in a society where girls liked boys and vice versa but I never really understood it. I used to look up to girl celebrities and I remember liking one in a different way, a stronger way than everyone else. Fast forward a few years, I felt the same way with someone I worked with. They were older than I was, so I thought it was an admiration thing; wrong. A little later on, I talked to my friend about love and ended up saying, "I believe you can fall in love with anyone". First time thinking this but it was the way I felt. Three years ago, I asked my friend about liking girls but thought it was normal feelings everyone else felt. Fast forward to now, finally letting myself accept who I am. I know those were crushes and I now understand how it feels to like someone, regardless of their sex.
When I developed this current crush, I realized this is the first time I've allowed myself too genuinely like someone. For years, I forced myself to date guys because my friends had boyfriends and I wanted to be included. The truth was, I never felt anything for them. I developed a crush on someone, after coming across their picture one day. My heart dropped down to my chest. Nerves filled my body when I thought about her or had to be in the same room as her. A smile was always plastered to my face when I talk to her and I can't seem to get her off my mind. This is the first time I developed a crush on someone naturally and they just happen to be a girl.
I'm not going to say I was happy at first, when I came to the realization. I wasn't thrilled because of my religion, scared of people accepting me and having to accept myself. I had to decide what was more important to me and in the end, I chose being true to who I am and my happiness. I am still me at the end of the day, loving the same sex shouldn't change the way people feel about you or how people view you. I am just a human loving another human. There is nothing but beauty attached to this concept.
When I told people, I had different reactions from each person. Some I texted, cried to and some I told to their faces. I was filled with nerves and scared out of my mind; I shouldn't have been. I should have been able to bring a girl or guy home and not have to "warn" anyone ahead of time. I didn't "warn" anyone when I brought a boyfriend home, did I? No, so why should I have too if I want to introduce someone as my girlfriend? I shouldn't.
October of 2016, I finally gained back my life and released the secrets controlling me. I slowly told people and braced myself for what changes might happen. I remember thinking, "If I can accept who I am, they should be able to as well". I wanted my friends and family’s approval but I cared about what I wanted more for the first time in my life. I am very fortunate to have been blessed with an amazing support system within my friends and some family members. Regardless if people agree, it's your life. Sexuality shouldn't be a reason, to stop being a part of someone's life because of who they choose to be in love with. Love is love and everyone is entitled to love whoever they want.
I don't want the gender I choose to date, to define who I am as a person. It shouldn't but sometimes it does. I am who I am and nothing has changed. The only thing changed is for first time, I am being exactly who I am and happier than I've ever been. I started to embrace my authenticity and allowed myself to express my emotions openly. My feelings are valid and I accept who I am, that's all that matters. Be who you are and know you don't owe anyone an explanation. Do what makes you happy and be true to yourself.
