Are You Happy?

Are you happy? I don’t know.

Someone asked me this question a couple of weeks ago and at first, I didn’t know what to say. I think the normal generic regurgitated response would be, “Yes, I am happy.” However, that wasn’t how I felt.

I didn’t know if I was happy. For me, this question was like asking if I have ever been in love. I don’t know. I’ve never been good at answering questions I should know the answers too. It’s kind of one of my quirks, let’s say.     

I have spent a good portion of my life, listening and doing what I thought I should, over actually doing what made me happy. So, I guess I don’t know, is an appropriate response, when you spent most of your life doing what makes others happy over yourself.

I went to New York recently and decided to have a movie moment, life changing experience. That is not exactly what happened but I don’t know if you heard, I tend to live in a fairy tale world; it’s way better than reality.  

While I was there, I spent a lot of time trying to force myself to try and write a book, in 6 days. Yes, I understand this task is a bit unrealistic but I tend to be unrealistic sometimes. Again, one of my many great qualities.

I was trying so hard to hurry up and finish what I know makes me happy, which is writing. Of course, I was trying to write a love story, while not exactly living one. I ended up getting writers block and spending a lot of time in the silence or binge-watching Netflix. Again, no middle ground for me.

Within my time spent in New York, I had the opportunity to learn a lot about myself. For the first time, I was really getting to know who I am, on my own. I took this trip, to push myself out of my comfort zone by having to rely on myself the entire way. In the process, I learned to love myself a bit more than before. I started to come to terms with the fact that loving who I am, is a challenge in my life but it is essential, in order to be happy.

I understand not everyone might agree you have to love who you are to be happy but, in my opinion, you do. You start your day and end your night with yourself. You are your most vulnerable and stripped bare with yourself. At the end of the day, you have yourself and life goes a lot smoother, when you actually like the person you are attached to.

I started to treat myself as I would my best friend or partner. I spent time with myself at the movies, on hikes and doing things that make me happy. I started to get to know myself and expand my interests, outside of everyone else’s opinion of who I should be. I spent a good portion of my life, trying to push people away. I then spent the rest of it, taking on everything possible to help others. I’ve never really been good at the whole balancing thing.

So, what now? I am choosing me. I am choosing to love who I am and take the time to actually get to know who that person is. I am learning to appreciate everything from my abilities creatively, to simply loving the way I laugh or get nervous over everything. It is a part of who I am and I don’t want to change that.

I have always been drawn to people who were different. In this society, everything and everyone is considered to be this exact term. However, I have always loved people who were just authentically and unapologetically themselves. I was once described this way, after knowing someone for a couple of days. I didn’t understand how someone could think I was exactly who I am, while I often did the exact opposite. So, I stopped.

I stopped changing to fit the mold others felt I should be. I like who I am. I am quirky, goofy, nervous and I overthink everything but I am also caring, funny and I will give the shirt off my back, for the ones I love. I don’t want to change the things I like about myself because someone thinks I should.

I love who I am and every day I am learning to fall in love with something new. So, to answer your question, “Am I happy?” Not yet, but I am getting there.